If trust and psychological safety make up the backbone of a high performing and happy team, what is the thing that gets in the way? I’ll be blunt: it’s a big pile of B.S. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me take it back to what happens before the B.S. gets deep.

Because teams are made up of fallible human beings, there will come a time (many times, in fact) when we hit a bump in the road. That bump might be a process challenge. Something went wrong in the process of completing a project: an unexpected delay, an unaccounted for challenge, a miscommunication. That bump might be an interpersonal challenge: different working styles, conflicting personalities, bias. Whatever it is…it’s causing a problem.

For just about all of us, that bump in the road is going to trigger some fear. That is normal. That’s the “uh-oh” warning light that something is in need of attention. What happens often that isn’t so great is that Perfectionism comes in to save the day by attempting to protect us from what we fear. Except that Perfectionism is not very good at doing what it promises it will do. Brene Brown, social scientist who studies perfectionism and shame, describes perfectionism as a “self-destructive belief system” that convinces us that if we are flawless in our execution of…well…everything, then we can avoid blame and shame. Writer, Ann Lamott takes it one step further and says that it is the belief that we hit every step perfectly we “won’t have to die.” The irony is, of course, that perfectionism is a fallacy. It is unattainable and therefore actually increases blame and shame.

When we are in blame (B), we put up a deflector shield that bounces every “OMG-I’m-not-good-enough-I’m-a-failure” feeling we have and sends it out to whomever is within striking distance. We go on the offensive, attacking and finding fault in everyone else in order to distract from any error within us. When we are in shame (S), we are shrinking and retreating from everyone else in order to hide our (real or perceived) faults that have clearly resulted in the reason everything is now ruined forever (catastrophize much?). But whatever B.S. we are rolling around in, we are not connecting, not nurturing trust, not creating psychological safety (for ourselves or others) and not working on smoothing out the bump that got us stuck in the first place. This is a perfect storm for a recurring behavior that turns into habit, which turns into the norm. Now we’ve got a culture problem that’s infected the entire team.

What’s the off-ramp from this circular track?

[Please, Renee, don’t say vulnerability. Make it something different. How about ‘logic’ or ‘dark chocolate’ or ‘avoidance’ or ‘bad reality TV’….anything but vulnerability.]

It’s vulnerability. Sorry. Take it up with Brene Brown; she’s the smarty-pants researcher who proved it. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it opens up our ability to admit we are afraid of what has gone wrong, reach out for help to come up with new solutions, and be brave enough to risk trying something different. That vulnerability changes us for the better and it changes those around us too. Those around us feel trusted, connected, and safe because we relied on them and we didn’t blame them. In turn, that allows us all together to be more curious about what we can do differently next time around. When we hit the next bump in the road we have a blueprint for how we can be vulnerable, connect, and find the fix together.

If you don’t have a plan for taking care of your mental well-being this week, I invite you to do so today. What can you do more of that fills your bucket? Here are some ideas:

1. Turn up the volume and take a music break.

Whether it is soothing ambient tunes, rage releasing metal, inspiring protest anthems, or something completely different, music has the power to help us release emotions in healthy ways.

2. Take a walk or run around the neighborhood.

Stay present during your excursion. Give yourself a scavenger hunt of things to notice: count squirrels, look for chess players in the park, notice if you see your breath in the November air…what else do you notice?

3. Find space and time to be mindful.

Whether it is guided meditation (lots of good options on @youtube or @calm) or just giving yourself time to pause throughout the day, mindful helps us stay grounded.

4. Take breathing breaks. (The long, slow kind, not the hyperventilating kind.)

Inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, and exhale for a count of 8. Extending the exhale helps to calm an anxious nervous system.

5. Sweat. Do something physical to raise your heart rate.

Exercise burns off cortisol and adrenaline (the stress hormones) and increases endorphins (the feel-good hormones).

6.Cuddle, hold hands, hug, be intimate, and simply be close to those you love*.

We are touch-deprived right now because of the pandemic. Physical touch and closeness can help us feel connected, safe, and at ease.

*Remember: Consent is required

7. Check-in with friends.

Choose a handful of people you can turn to this week who will support your well-being. Someone who can make you laugh, someone who you can be vulnerable with, someone who listens without judgment, someone who can be honest with you.

8. Get enough rest.

Sleep can be elusive during stressful times. Take the added pressure off of “OMG…I need to fall asleep!!” Instead, simply make it your goal to rest. Get rid of distractions, make your space comfortable, drink some herbal tea, and simply let your body rest.

9. Media and digital detox.

Oh boy…this is my downfall. Set down the phone and turn off the TV at least for a little bit each day. Notice if there is a time of day that news makes you more anxious? Then avoid it during those vulnerable times. For me? No news before bedtime.

9. Avoid too much alcohol.

Not only can it lead to distorted thoughts and decision impairment, it inhibits restful sleep and can actually cause increased anxiety the following day.

11. It’s ok to ask for help.

There are national and local crisis lines available 24/7. It’s ok to not be ok.

National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255 @SuicideHotline_

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

12. Maintain healthy boundaries.

It’s ok to avoid conversations and people you know will be particularly triggering this week. It’s ok to say, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” It’s ok to not engage in unhealthy dynamics.

13. Do something that brings you joy and makes you laugh! And also cry!

Schitt’s Creek is the show that is doing it for me. @SchittsCreek

The comedian Fortune Feimster @fortunefunny makes me laugh until I nearly cry.

And did I really say cry? Yes!

Like, REALLY cry it out. Did you know that the tears we cry from emotion are different than tears we cry from pain? It contains higher levels of cortisol. We are literally shedding stress through our tears.

And if this “bakers dozen” of tips doesn’t help. Try a real baker’s dozen! Just kidding. Don’t do that. There IS such a thing as too many doughnuts. Trust me. I know…

“Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are.”

Augustine of Hippo

There is a lot to be angry about. Skyrocketing rates of COVID, financial stress from months of quarantine, deadly racial injustice, political chaos…and that’s just the first few things that come to mind. I am angry. More importantly, I’m okay with being angry.

One of the more common misconceptions about resilience is that there is no room for anger. We are to focus on gratitude, hope, and optimism, right? Look on the bright side! Find the silver lining! Count your blessings. Yeah, well…sorta. I’ve made no secret that I used to struggle with the concept of optimism. I worked for years with survivors of trauma. I know that horrible, unjust things happen and there are no rose-colored glasses pink enough for that kind of pain. It wasn’t until I came to understand that optimism had nothing to do with head-in-the-sand cheerfulness that I could wholeheartedly embrace optimism. If we are to be optimistic and hopeful, we need to be able to feel the anger at the way things are so we can be courageous enough to change them. Rebecca Traister, in her book, “Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger,” challenges us (women in particular) to not push down or push away anger, but to think, act, and integrate it into our lives just as we do with joy or sadness. Sociological researcher and author, Brene Brown acknowledges that “owning our pain and bearing witness to struggle means getting angry. When we deny ourselves the right to be angry, we deny our pain.” She warns, however, that holding onto or internalizing anger exhausts us, numbs us to joy, and makes us less effective in our efforts. This begs the question, how can anger be integrated into agents of optimism, hope, and resilience?

Evolutionarily speaking, anger is important to our survival. It is a signal that something is wrong and triggers our fight or flight instinct when we are in danger. When we listen and become curious to what anger is telling us, our anger can be used more as a tool than a weapon. Only then are we able to be not just reactive, but responsive. Is our anger telling us we have been treated unjustly, betrayed or exploited? Is our anger covering for the harder-to-face emotions of grief or shame? When we fully understand it, our anger can be a great catalyst for resilience.

My friends Paul and Taylor are currently exhibiting anger-as-catalyst in beautiful and powerful ways. Earlier this year, Paul Harris, a Black professor at University of Virginia’s Curry School of Education was recommended for promotion to Assistant Professor, but was blind-sided when he learned that he had been denied tenure by his all white Tenure Committee. Paul came to the tenure process with eight years of successful research, publication, citations, and presentations. He had stellar teaching evaluations. He had years of previous academic reviews stating he was “exceeding scholarship expectations.” His work had gained him grants and awards. His tenure committee downplayed his work, questioning the validity and scholarship of work that had previously been lauded. After his first appeal was denied by the provost, Paul and his wife, Taylor Harris, put their anger into action. Paul has taken his appeal to the next level and is speaking out not just about the injustice of his case, but of the systemic injustice faced by scholars of color in academia. Those of us who are colleagues and friends, have joined grassroots efforts to see that he be granted the tenure he has earned. Taylor, an author and activist, published an article on Catapult, Whiteness Can’t Save Us. It is a breath-taking testimony not only of her husband’s stolen tenure, but of being Black in America. Theirs is a perfect example of anger being transformative. It is rooted in justice, courage, and love. Transformative anger (and the courage required to express it) is rooted in the hope that things can be different.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Taylor and Paul’s 3-year-old daughter said it best: “When I’m angry, it’s because my heart is broken.” She knows, even at her tender age, that when we listen to our anger, it will tell us something about ourselves. What we learn can help lead us forward.

Meditation has been proven to manage stress and anxiety, increase focus, and interrupt negative thought patterns. For a variety of reasons, however, many people don’t feel that traditional meditation is for them: it feels “too woo-woo” to them, that it is counter to their practice of faith, or that it is connected only to the practice of Buddhism. It needn’t be any of those things. In its simplest terms, meditation is the use of a technique to train attention and awareness, and achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state. Still, whatever a person’s reluctance towards meditation, no practice of resilience or mindfulness can be very effective if a person isn’t comfortable in the practice. Can the benefits of meditation still be achieved in other ways? For the purposes of mental well-being, the answer is yes.

Try some non-traditional meditative activities

Activities that involves repetitive movement can be soothing to the nervous system as well as keeping the mind focused on the present. These can involve fine motor movement like coloring, painting, knitting, or playing an instrument or gross motor movement like running, hiking, mowing the lawn, or dancing. In all of these examples, there is an opportunity (and sometimes a requirement) to pay close attention to our sensory perceptions bringing us into the present and away from rumination and worry.

Mindful eating

This isn’t about what you eat or the amount you eat. This is about how you eat. Too often when we are busy and stressed, we eat mindlessly and quickly. We barely remember what we had for lunch, let alone what it actually tasted like. Eat without the distraction of TV, phones, or reading. Take time to enjoy and actually savor what you are eating. Notice the smells, colors, textures, and tastes of each bite. It doesn’t need to be a fancy meal or anything new. Focusing on the experience at hand (in this case, eating) encourages us to slow down and be intentional. It allows our bodies to regulate and return to a baseline of calm.

Plan for unplanned time

Whether it is for 30 minutes or an entire day, be intentional about creating space to be spontaneous. I know that sounds like a contradiction. When we commit ourselves to time that is open and unplanned, we open ourselves up to creativity, curiosity, relaxation, and rejuvenation. Try something that uses a different part of your brain–or no part of your brain. Speaking of spontaneous, I purchased an above-ground pool for the kids when I realized that the pandemic was going to cancel a lot of summer plans. This spontaneous decision has allowed for more unplanned time floating in the pool during lunch, and let me tell you…I come back in ready for the rest of the day. Now…before you go tell your spouse or roommate that you have to go by a pool and get me in trouble, let me say it doesn’t have to be floating in the water. Allow yourself the time to do something frivolous. It’s not how you fill the time, it’s allowing yourself the time to fill it however you want.

Do Nothing

When I was a little girl, I would find my grandfather sitting on his front porch in his rocking chair, just rocking quietly staring out at the mountains. When I would ask what he was doing, he would smile and say, “Oh, just twiddling my thumbs.” So, I’d sit beside him and twiddle my thumbs, wondering what he found entertaining about this thumb-twiddling game. I mean…we weren’t doing anything. But that was the whole point. He wasn’t thinking about anything, planning anything, listening or reading anything. Doing literally nothing is healing to our brains and our nervous system. It’s the best, easiest, and cheapest self-care technique there is.

Whether you are a practitioner of transcendental meditation or simply just want to find a way to quiet your overwhelmed mind, these are ways to incorporate mindfulness into your every day…no mantras or yoga mats required.

There is a Buddhist parable referred to as The Second Arrow. In one telling of the story, the Buddha asks one of his students, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student replied , “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.” Another way to state it: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

We cannot control the first arrow of this pandemic. It is deeply painful and our fear is justified. While we cannot control the first arrow, we can learn from it. We can become adaptive, protective, and responsive. Evidence of that came very quickly in the early days and weeks of the pandemic. We transitioned to work-from-home, rallied to make masks for frontline workers and keep vulnerable people fed, and accepted the hard reality that staying home keeps us all safe. The second arrow of rumination and cataztrophizing, however, has no lesson to teach us. The second arrow is self-inflicted; something author and therapist, Jon Fredrickson refers to as self-torture. When we constantly remind ourselves of the facts of our painful situation or imagine an apocalyptical future, we are unable to be adaptive. We become frozen by our own suffering. However, we can learn to control the suffering of the second arrow when we learn to avoid rumination and catastrophizing.

Draw the Line

If I am not careful, I find myself reading seventeen different articles from five different media sites which all provide the same facts and then making it my personal responsibility to convince the doubters and conspiracy theorists . As I do, I feel panic rise up from the pit of my stomach to squeeze at my throat. Since I am not learning anything new, diving deeper into the news simply serves to prod at the pain. It is like the compulsion to pick at a painful hangnail just so we can confirm that it still hurts.

Gather the facts that you need to stay informed and safe. Then draw the line and back away. We don’t need to stand sentry awaiting each morsel of new information the moment it arrives. We can take a break.

Don’t Take the Leap

It is tempting to gather up the facts we have accumulated and mix it into a dangerous potion of catastrophe prediction. We create the worst case scenarios not only for ourselves, but for the world. The best way to avoid this (or at least tame it) is to slow down. Sometimes I even say out loud to myself, “Stop.” Then I ask,

• Am I in immediate danger?
• Is my belief founded in fact?
• Can I do something about it?

If my answer is yes to any of these, I can do something about it. For example, this crisis has caused me to worry about my mortality in ways that would be considered excessive in pre-pandemic times, but are logical now. There are things I can do to make sure I try to stay out of immediate danger and I can make sure my will is up-to-date. Beyond that, if I continue to ruminate, my worry about mortality can spiral into false certainty. It quickly escalates from, “This is a life threatening illness that I need to take seriously,” to “I am going to die from this virus. It is only a matter of time.” Obsessing about horrible outcomes do not serve us well. When I start to go beyond what I can control, I gently walk myself back from the (il)logical leaps I am tempted to make.

Identify the Breeding Grounds

When we are exhausted, already stressed, and disconnected from our healthy coping mechanisms, we are much more likely to suffer the second arrow. In other words, right now we are sitting in the fertile muck of catastrophic thinking. The old adage goes, “water what you want to grow.” That makes it all the more important to water our self-care gardens: being intentional about getting rest, managing our stress, and staying connected to our support systems. It can also be helpful to slow down, and create a mental sanctuary (both literal and figurative) where you are surrounded by calming sensory experiences (music, warm sunshine, soft pillows, or hot tea).

Always curious about how you all are doing. Reach out and let me know!

Be well. Stay resilient.

R.